Dining with Banshees

I love children. I think they are tiny vessels of joy, wisdom and innocence, the kind you can never get once you cross that threshhold into adulthood (I think the bills kind of screw it all up). I love children so much that my partner and I are actually thinking of buying one soon, legally of course, just so we can be around that kind of insatiable curiosity on a regular basis.

But someone or something keeps sending little red flags my way, little moments that cause me to pause and think, "Am I really ready for this?" Dining in public seems to be the place where these flags pop up the most.

Recently, Sue and I were enjoying a lovely (well, edible food that required no effort on our part) meal at Olive Garden. Suddenly, I heard a shrill, piercing shriek that sounded what I imagine a hyena caught in a blender would sound like. I froze, partially because my eardrum had been perforated and I lost any sense of balance and partially because I was certain that someone had clearly been impaled by a fork or a coffee stirrer.

When I finally managed to take a look, I saw my biggest future fear staring right at me: a three year old child who clearly lost all sense of shame and reason. But even scarier was the look on his mother's face, a look of anger, embarrassment, shock, horror and pure mortification all combined into one large, throbbing vein on her forehead. I pitied the child, for I was sure that the mother's fury would soon be unleashed upon his joyful, wise and innocent little butt. The real shocker came in the following minutes, or rather, the real shocker actually never came. The mother.... did nothing.

Not a peep came from her mouth, nor even a tiny swat from her hand. She composed herself quickly and continued her dinner conversation with her friend, who was frantically searching for a graceful exit of some sort. She acted as though the 50+ diners burning a hole in the back of her head with their smoldering glares did not exist. She just disengaged entirely from the situation.

And eventually, so did we. One by one, the diners returned to their meals, some smiling in pity, others shaking their heads and wondering what has happened to the state discipline in the 21st century. Sue and I quietly finished our meal and left, too afraid to admit that the mother might one day be us and the wailing banshee our child.

After dinner, we stopped at Best Buy and picked up a pair of Bose earphones, the kind that blocks out all noise. We're going forward with the baby plan - we're just going to be better prepared...

Thoughts That Keep Me Awake at Night

What if a future civilizatiion discovers an episode of American Gladiator and bases all of their historical knowledge of us on that viewing?

If Sarah Connor killed the maker of the cyborgs, how do they keep coming back from the future in The Sarah Connor Chronicles?

If a train is traveling east at 95 mph, starting from point A, and a train traveling west at 80 mph starts from a point 150 miles west of point A, does anyone really care if I can figure out when they're going to meet?  Isn't that why we have schedules?  (I hope a brave students writes "I'll check amtrak online" to that question one day and I hope it's my nephew.)

How did Marisa Tomei win an Oscar?

If I actually retire at 65 instead of 72, how long will I have to eat cat food?

Somebody said "my nipples are bigger than pancakes" and I laughed so hard, I forgot who said it.  Damn......who said it??!?!

I can't believe I watched American Gladiator.....again......

My Inner Child Plays with my Niece and Nephew

Anyone who is even a casual acquaintance knows how much I cherish my niece and nephew, Natalie and Noah.  While this love and admiration comes from a place of unquestionable sincerity, I recently discovered an added and totally selfish perk: I can buy them all the kick-ass presents that were not around when I was a kid.  Not only do they think I am the coolest person ever, I get the added bonus of reliving my own childhood, only bigger and better.

Case in point: I recently bought Noah the game Rock Band for his PS2.  And when I say I bought it for Noah, I really meant that his birthday was the perfect front for me to get my hands on this game.  Was it an extravagant purchase?  Totally.  Does it have any sort of educational value that will help his young, developing mind?  Absolutely not.  Should I have exercised fiscal responsibility and bought something more within my budget? One could argue that.  Was it ultimately worth it?  HELL YES!!!  This game totally, well, rocks.  

Within seconds, I transformed myself (with the assistance of easy mode and a VERY forgiving computer judge) from a tone deaf, pitch ignorant and rhythm-less white girl to a superstar, punk goddess rocker.  I actually sang (me, whose voice has been known to peel the paint in the bathroom whenever I attempt to "sing" in the shower) and scored a 96% on my first song ("I Think I'm Paranoid" by Garbage).  And, despite not knowing the song nor the group, Noah backed me up on guitar and Dan backed me up on drums.  We had a real bonding moment but more importantly, I kicked their asses!

I guess my point is that you can find gifts that truly will be loved by the recipient, bring the family together and ultimately serve your own selfish desires at the same time.  These are truly the kinds of gifts that keep on giving.......

The Owens Family Christmas Letter

I thought the Christmas letters were getting a bit tired and stale but the howls of protest have not fallen on deaf ears!  The Owens Family Christmas letter is back!  However, we're gonna kick it new school now and get all techy with it.  So, welcome to the new Owens Family New Year's Blog, where I can now post pics, keep you updated more frequently and hear your thoughts, questions, comments or laments.  So, let's not waste any time and get right to it.

No question of where to start: we first go to Noah and Natalie since nothing else really matters, at least according to Suzie.  Noah is now in the second grade and way smarter than he should be at this age.  Don't let the snaggle tooth fool you: he is one sharp little boy.  Sadly, he has decided that the second grade curriculuum is beneath him and often refuses to lower himself by participating.  Still, he is a kid and when we took him to Great Wolf Lodge, an indoor waterpark in Traverse City, he never tired of going down the three huge waterslides, often spending hours at a time running up what felt like fricking Mt. Everest and then shooting down Niagra-like falls with Aunt Kimmie silently and simultaneously praying and cursing, hoping that the fact she couldn't see two inches in front of her wouldn't matter when she smashed into the tiny wading pool full of fleshy Midwesterners.  For those of you looking for a quick ego boost, Great Wolf Lodge is money well spent.  Screw your New Year's resolutions!  Take the family for a quick retreat at the Lodge where Shamu's extended family visits year round.  Sue was a great help and graciously agreed to let Noah be her shadow all weekend.  It took us both two weeks to fully dislodge our swimsuits from our buttcracks. On land, Noah continues to enjoy soccer, playing video games and making smoothies (yes, you read that right and no, it's not my fault nor did I encourage him).

Natalie turned three in November and continues to bring great pleasure to all those not in charge of her potty training.  Her diapered tush is the last vestige of babyhood and she is clinging to it tightly (and vice versa).  Her vocabulary and speaking ability grows daily, making her excuses for NOT using the toilet even funnier.  Some of our favorites: "My tummy is too hot," "I not want to go right now.  Maybe later," and "Kimmy will be here next week. She can change my diaper then."  Noah (or Woah, my bwother) dotes on her and she loves it, usually.  Fights are rare as Natalie is not afraid to toss out a few punches (again, not my fault).

Dan and Keri are still enjoying their house as cleaning and organizing now is more permanent than before: the immaculate, pristine environment actually belongs to them.  Keri teaches first grade this year and waits tables on Saturday nights at a local restaurant.  She further established herself as favorite daughter by running the Crim (all 10 miles) with Mike this year. Kim's only hope for competing with her now is if Kim manages to make the Red Wing's team next year and scores the winning goal during the last game for the Stanley Cup.   Dan ran the Crim as well as the Detroit Marathon, vowing once again that he would not do it again.  As of this writing, he is already training for 2008.  He starts school soon at Baker college, going for a career as Physical Therapist Assistant.  We hope that once he can tell people how to train for and run races, he will actually stop.

Mike and Suzie continue to be the Lewis and Clark of the family, traveling to Arizona and various other places I can't recall right now.  They also joined us (and, bless them, paid for) our Great Wolf Lodge vacation, so it was a true family vacation.  We even stayed in the same room, all of us, and actually had a good time.  Suzie is doing well and is officially on the public dole, signing up for Social Security early so she can "get it while it is still there."  Watch for her gleefully shopping at a store near you.  Mike continues to work endless hours but 2008 will bring something new: a 40 hour work week.  GM has put the kabosh on overtime, so Mike will now gain 35+ hours of free time per week.  He is eagerly awaiting the spring thaw so that 30 of those hours can be spent on the golf course.

Kim and Sue continue to stick it out in Carriage Town, the official up and coming ghetto of Flint.  The gunshots and sirens barely even register now and they actually slept through a shooting that occurred a few doors down from them this past summer.  Sue now works at LISC, Local Initiative Support Corporation, still fighting the good fight and helping to build stronger communities.  Saint that she is, she also bought Kim a PSP for her birthday.  Both of them are now obsessed with racing games and Super Collapse 3.  Kim and Sue traveled to Wisconsin at Christmas to visit Sue's parents. On Christmas Eve, Kim drove their car into a ditch.  To make the blessed event even more special, Sue's parents were in the car at the time.  It was then that Kim realized the true meaning of Christmas: no matter how dumb or idiotic their actions may be, family and friends must always be cherished.  At least that's what  she tried to convince Sue's mom as they sat in the freezing cold, stuck and in shock, waiting patiently for Sue and her dad to pull them out.  Kim is now drinking fruit and veggie juice (made with the new juicer she got for Christmas) everyday to improve her eyesight and reflexes.

Hope 2008 gives you plenty of opportunities to cherish your loved ones.  Happy (Belated) New Year!